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5. The Beast
Just barely making it onto our list is the Beast. Why barely, you ask? Oh gentle reader who has not thought this through, it’s simple — there’s only a 50% chance you get the violent, super-powered Beast. There's also a 50% chance you get the brooding, wussy Prince Adam. What if the Beast decides to empathize with Hoss, and ends up crying into an Old Fashioned for the rest of the night as you get your teeth kicked in? His razor-sharp fangs aren’t much good to you then, boy.
4. Genie
The major pro of having Genie on your side in a bar fight is that he’s perhaps the most powerful being in the entire Disney universe. The major con is that he doesn’t give a single solitary f*ck. You’ll probably have to burn through a wish just to get him off his ass, and then where are you? Could’ve had world peace, but you wished for a Genie beat-down instead? Expect to get beaten up a lot more frequently in the future.
3. EVE
EVE is from the future and is armed with a plasma cannon. Plus, being a robot, she has to follow the the first law of robotics: a robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. She might not kick ass for you, but she will save your ass from being kicked. And isn’t that just as valuable?
2. Mulan
Mulan almost single-handedly defeated the Huns, is a master of armed and unarmed combat, and, if you’re fighting a dude, he can’t hit back or else the whole bar will rise up against him. Plus, Mulan has a lucky cricket. That can’t hurt.
1. Adult Simba
An actual motherf*cking lion who’s cold enough to revenge-kill his own uncle, Adult Simba has just the right combination of violence, pride, and being a damn lion.
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